Things that make you go hmmmm...

I took some time off from blogging-obviously- mainly because I forgot that I started it. However, I'm back!! I missed all of the 1/2 marathons for this season here and it's starting to get cold but I'm thinking about the Rock 'n' Roll in Phoenix...more to come later. Ran 4 miles yesterday and biked 6 today...

P90X Lean Day 3

For all of you who read this or not...I'm starting my 90 days over. I think my wrist is pretty much better but I'm doing the lean just to try to give myself a little extra time. I'm also doing a half marathon training program so that's overlapping. My long runs will be on Tuesdays. This week's long run is 4 miles. I'm feeling a little apprehensive as I want, not only to do well, but to be faster and I know that's not the best idea and could set me up for failure if I push myself to hard later. There's a difference between not slacking and pushing too hard...I've just got to find the balance.

An interesting addition to my workouts is Luci, since we've had her, I've just been running outside and so now she thinks I'm playing when I do my workouts at home. That will definitely have to change. She lays on me when I do push ups and runs around when I do anything where I'm standing. This gets Maxi all wound up and I have two dogs running around like little nuts. Max will just be 12 pounds and Luci will be 70 and that's probably the biggest difference.

Day 1 of P90x was Sunday, August 8 and my first running day was last Thursday, August 5. Theoretically I'll be finishing up the 13 miles and the 90 days around the same time. Now, if I can just find my headphones, then I could be off...

TTC BS

So, it's been quite a bit of time since I last wrote anything here. We took a break from P90X, Josh has bronchitis and really messed up his ribs with all of the coughing. Just as soon as we're about done with that...I messed up my wrist so...yeah, I really can't do any push ups or anything like that. I can't even really pick too much up (even though I don't really have a choice, I've gotta get stuff done and I'm here by myself so booo).

Now, the baby making front. We switched doctors when we moved and he needs all of this documentation. I have a chart from my 1st dr out here saying that we were gonna start trying, then I have some ultrasounds and blood work-ups from my dr in chicago. I'm kinda confused, they said I could be referred to an endocrinologist whenever I wanted to be and now I need all of this documentation...it's frustrating to say the least. I just want to cry but it's kinda pointless so I'm kinda at a loss as far as what I should do next. I really don't want to start my "year" over again after almost 2 that seems a little like a full load of BS and I don't want to go back to the dr in the city...every time I'll have an appointment 6 hours of my day will be gone immediately considering office time and traffic...This is really annoying.

If one more person says "It'll happen" I seriously think I will throttle them! You know what else is gonna happen..."A BLACK EYE!!!" If you know anyone who's having a hard time ttc...don't say it'll happen...that perhaps is one of the most patronizing and obnoxious things you could say. The whole point in having a difficult time getting pregnant is that it's supposed to be happening and it's not...you telling me that it will is really pissing me off...

Ahhh, now that that's off of my chest...I shall continue trying to clean with a sprainedish wrist. Ouch.

Day 11

P90x is going well, if I do say so myself. I'm gonna probably wait until we start our second month to pick up running again. I'm pretty sure I'm not eating enough so I'll definitely need to get that into check before I add anything. As a sidenote, Maxi, loves walking on the yoga mats when we're not sitting on them. We switched out Tuesday's plyometrics for cardio x since Josh was having some cramps in his side. We've been getting an additional "workout" from our constant coughing. Allergies suck!

Anyway, I think I'm getting the hang of the cooking. I'm measuring out the foods and I'm adding some other foods. We really like the tacos so we do that once a week or so...Josh loves mexican food so this is some kind of normalcy. Tonight I'm going to make turkey burgers maybe with a little guacamole and asparagus soup and some normandy veggies on the barbie. I'm also going to see if I can find a P90X friendly meatloaf meeting.

Overall, I think things are going well. Benadryl works for me, Claritin just makes things worse...I'm heading back to zyrtec, not a gel pill, probably a 5mg... O well. I'm done.

Keep pressing play!

Day 9

Week 2 Day 2

Last night I worked harder than I did on week 1 day 1. Probably because I knew what to expect. He says pace yourself and I was like...kinda hard to do when you don't know what's coming up. I was getting a little discouraged the other day and Josh brought me back to reality by reminding me that it's only been a week. His phrasing was a little more sarcastic and sounded like "yeah, I can't believe you're not seeing huge results in a week". I love my husband, he always has a neat way of bringing me back to reality :-)

I have noticed that I'm not very hungry. I'm trying to make sure I eat enough. I'm also having crazy allergy problems so I'm not sleeping at night so I have to sleep in the morning after I drop Josh off. No, the problem isn't that I'm sleeping in the day...my throat swells up alot at night so that's why I can't sleep well. In the last week or 2 I've been awake probably 2-3 hours a night off and on...trips back and forth to the kitchen for ice for my throat and subsequently to the bathroom...waking up for meds...and on and on...

Aside from all of these things, my pants are getting baggy on me...This could just be the loosening of the jeans after they've been out of the dryer for a little bit but I'm going to be optimistic and think it's because my thighs are getting thinner...we'll soon see.

Tonight is plyometrics and my throat is all jinky. I'm kinda having an awkward time breathing but I'm still gonna "bring it". Gotta grab my snack and get my pumpkin bear from the train. Till later...

Keep pushing play!!

Day 4: Yoga, but not X

Today was Josh's first day ever doing yoga! I thoroughly enjoyed the first 8 minutes or so and then I remembered why I hate doing yoga after arm training. Downward dog is not a good time to feel your arms getting tired. I'm having such a great time with p90x that i really don't want to do something that's gonna get either Josh or me discouraged. After about 15 minutes of the yoga X Josh was looking pretty over it. Thankfully, I came to the rescue with a beginner's yoga DVD. We added about another 15 minutes or so and did a nice cool down. This was a nice intro to yoga and i don't feel bad about not doing the one with the set. My goal is to do this to the best of my ability. That being said, I feel that we did better doing another yoga program.

I'm off to weigh myself...152.5ish. Down from 154.5 on Sunday. Things to take into consideration...different scale...different clothes...either way, I'm going to take that as a positive sign and just be happy to see a number slightly lower than the one from the beginning of the week.

I'm really craving some more of that asparagus soup. Josh may hate the fact that we've ever done this since I may be seriously addicted to that type of soup...what other veggies can I use? Broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, peas, white asparagus, potatoes (maybe not potatoes) but the list is endless (well, not endless but indeed more involved than I had previously anticipated). Tomorrow, back to the grind. Tonight we shall enjoy some chicken tacos, with salsa and lettuce and corn tortillas.

Day 3 Ab Ripper and something about arms and shoulders

Today was shoulders and arms. Funny thing is, my arms and shoulders were already hurting from the other workout, which was NOT arms and shoulders. I do have to say that, aside from my allergies and not having a medicine that doesn't sent me into delusions, I feel really good.

I need to pick up a scale to monitor my weight and a food scale. I LOVE eating so many veggies. I feel like I could drink the Asparagus soup everyday.

I don't really have much to comment on today. I wasn't sure I was going to be able to do well on this since I've always assumed that my arms are really weak...they are but they're not as weak as I had anticipated. Saying that now, before the lactic acid begins to settle into my muscles seems silly but either way I feel proud of the work that I've done tonight. I told my husband that he may have to work from home tomorrow, I can't forsee being able to steer the car that well tomorrow.

I'm headed to GNC tomorrow to find an acceptable recovery drink option. Hopefully I can find one that is milk free and soy free...not exactly holding my breath. I'm now going to warm up my mediocre lemon chicken and my ABSOLUTELY FABULOUS asparagus soup and sit back and watch V and Dr. Who with my dear husband who's cleaning the rest of the kitchen for me.

Until tomorrow, keep pressing play.

Day 2

This was our first plyometrics workout. Ow.

There are so many things that I love about this program. I love that the people in the videos are in shape but aren't professionals. There's something enjoyable about watching regular people do this workout. I have to say that sometimes I think there's a little bit of flailing going on but it's much worse at our house.

I made asparagus soup tonight and it was delicious. I also made lemon chicken and quinoa that wasn't what I would call delicious but Josh liked it so I definitely consider that a success. I'm figuring out what to do for some protein and stuff. I'm totally lactose intolerant and I'm having a hard time with all of these cheese products. I'm using designer whey with a banana for my recovery drink but I know I've got to figure something out.

I feel a little exhausted but it's hard to know if its from the workouts or from my visit to deluisionville at the beginning of the week. My stomach feels ok most of the time so this just confirms to me that my "panic from vomiting" was really a drug reaction and fast food...

So, here's the interesting part. My weight on Sunday morning was 154.5. I'd love to get back down to 139ish so we'll see how that goes. Either way, I definitely want to lean our and get rid of the muffin top that hangs over my jeans. I think the fact that I've cut out muffins will help me with that. As soon as I figure it out, I'll put pictures up. I figure if the before is out there then I've gotta do an after.

My favorite thing about this is that Josh is really enjoying it. I like doing stuff with him and I think that this will benefit us both and lead to a more active life. I definitely plan on going skiing, horseback riding and hiking in the near future. We live near a ski resort so I'm definitely gonna get better at that...but for now I'll just stick to finishing out these 90 days. Night!

Day 1

So, I'm late writing this blog about day 1. We got a ton of groceries and I've started the meal planning and such. Due to the events at the beginning of this week I didn't get a head start on everything like I had planned. My original plan was to wake up super early and make our breakfasts and head to the store on Monday after planning the menu and making the shopping list and coming home and cooking everything for this week...

Now, for what actually happened...

I ate some gross fast food on the way back from MI and took a zyrtec before bed. I apparently am one of those people who is allergic to zyrtec. I woke up a little later absolutely freaking out. I thought my heart was going to beat out of control and I felt like I couldn't breathe. I also apparently kept telling Josh that I didn't want to die. I remember being positive that I had a brain tumor and that Israel was gonna be our last trip together before the end. I also remember thinking that the lights and the houses and Josh's shadow were all possibly going to turn into monsters. So, Josh took me to the hospital where i was treated for vomiting and not delusions. While we were there (until 6am) I wouldn't sleep (until I got my IV) and Josh said I kept saying that I didn't want to lay down because I'd forget everything and then they'd come and take me away and put me in a straight jacket. (In my mind, I remember not wanting to lay down because I didn't want to throw up. Wonder why I didn't just say that?)

So, the meds wore off and yesterday was a little weird, for obvious reasons, and we started day 1 of this very interesting workout. I need to figure out some snacks, I'm seriously lactose intolerant and there's enough milk in this meal plan to really make me sick...I've had enough of that ;)

Things I've learned this week: I'm no longer anemic (which is wonderful because I have been for almost 10 years), I'm really allergic to zyrtec, I can do a reasonable amount of push ups for a weak person, I'm really enjoying this, I'm sooo glad Josh is working out with me. When they're being really cheesy on the video I have someone to joke with and it's just fun to have a workout buddy.

So for anyone who may be reading this and also doing this routine. Have fun, don't forget to eat and "Keep pressing play!!"

T minus 91 days

Tomorrow is the day that we start P90X!!! I'm excited right now, that may change by Tuesday morning but I doubt it. There's nothing I enjoy more ( besides a nice cup of hot tea and other things, lets be real haha) then the feeling that I've done something really awesome for myself! It's a different kind of treat then the cake that we all know that I LOVE to eat.

I was really concerned about figuring out what to eat and when and making sure I have enough variety. I'm fine eating the same things for 90 days, Josh however hates that. Lo and behold, I opened the box and found a nutrition guide that had 90 days of menus and recipes to go along with the menu!

I'm kinda bummed because I can't find our heart rate monitors. I know I've seen them and I know that they're unpacked...I just don't know where they are and maybe they're still in a box and I just remember packing them, but I don't think so...I just wish I could remember.

Today, I got to hold my beautiful, new baby cousin. She's like a week old and absolutely fantastic. I already knew I wanted kids and that I wanted to be healthy for them but after holding her and being reminded just how much of a blank slate they are...I want to make sure that I do everything I can to be a great example.

Enough about babies...I've been having a weird migraine-y headache this week...could be hormones but I think that it's soy related. This combined with the fact that I'm lactose intolerant will make finding a protein supplement a little bit interesting. I saw a rice protein powder but I don't think that will work within the confines of the dietary outline so we shall see. I can afford to have a little bit of milk products since I don't actually have to go to work or anything. Also, I may attempt the gluten free-ish thing again. I don't think that'll be a huge problem but we'll see. Tonight I'll be taking the pictures, some measurements, I weighed myself earlier and thankfully I found an app for my phone so I can keep track of my info while I'm out and Josh can keep track when he goes out to eat at work. We're going to do the lean track instead of classic...this should be interesting...here goes 90...

Healthy Home, Healthy Earth.

Today is earth day. Happy Earth Day!! I have an unbelievable headache today so def no running or working out and not too much walking since I feel a little lightheaded which could be a recipe for disaster if I get dizzy again.

In honor of Earth Day and keeping in line with my writing about my health I'm gonna give you some of my goals that benefit me and the earth.

I'm trying to use homemade cleaners more than the convenient ones. I keep reading about how the air inside our homes may be worse than the air outside due to indoor pollutants. I also know that our dog likes to chew spray bottles if she can get to them. I'm assuming that when I have children they may also like to do similar things, if they find something along the same lines. That's a scary/expensive problem.

Sure, scrubbing bubbles make cleaning the shower much easier but when I look at the generic version and see a warning for fetal defects I really do have to ask myself..."Is it really that much easier?!?!" I mean, I'm still on my hands and knees scrubbing, albeit, not as hard. Maybe it would be a little more worth the risks if I could spray it and go to dinner and come home and the entire bathroom was cleaned...maybe.

I'm not entirely sure what all of these additives do to our bodies or the environment but I do know one thing: every so often people do something that's soooooo stupid those who come behind us have no idea how we didn't make the correlation earlier. Perhaps, sulfates and phthalates and nitrates are the mercury and lead of our ancestors (lead cups and cleaning hats with mercury i.e. mad hatters).

I will do what I can to make my household a healthy living environment, the same way that I'm trying to make my body healthy. After all, wouldn't we (as parents and future parents) do whatever we can to protect our children, even if that means that we have to scrub the tub a little more than we'd like to?

HAPPY EARTH DAY!!!

No Turning Back

We've finally ordered P90x!!!

Tonight was our last date night before we start our 90 days! I'm excited/nervous about what's going to happen. Am I going to get the results that I want? Will we finish it? How sore will I be during the first week? What if I can't do it?????

That's probably my biggest concern at this point, as with everything in my life. What if I'm not good enough, what if I can't cut it? Mostly though, I'm really excited!

Tonight, we ate at Famous Dave's and I had 2 pieces of cornbread and didn't bring any leftovers home. I am not even gonna bother worrying about the amount of calories I ate tonight. We had a great time and I enjoyed myself. Today, my neighbor's granddaughters brought us cupcakes so I'm glad this happened now when i can eat them without worrying about how I'm not supposed to be eating it.

Prayerfully, our package will get here early so I have time to get all of the groceries for the first week and plan out a menu with supplements and all that stuff.

So, in the next few days I will be buying a scale and weighing myself ( arghhhhh), taking my measurements and a picture ( in a bathing suit...I have 2 possibilities, both are bikinis and one looks better on me than the other but for my purposes I think I should probably pick the one I look worse in that's much smaller than the other). So, I shall sign off of here for now and enjoy LOST and the wonderful cupcakes that the adorable kids brought me today!

Until tomorrow!!

Prelude to P90X

I have finally talked my husband into doing P90X with me. We're going to order it and hopefully be starting by next Monday. According to my calculations our 90 days will be up on July 25th. We have a wedding and some other activities in between now and then so we'll see how it works out.

I asked for this at Christmas as it was my plan to get started early and be in tip top shape for this summer...no one got anything on my list...for some reason it was invisible (I mean that seriously, I'm not being sarcastic at all...no one could see my Amazon list). I guess it wasn't the right time but now it is.

Over the next few months I plan on having many things happen including (but not limited to): increased energy, more room in my clothes, a better bathing suit body and just all the stuff that goes with working out consistently and eating properly. I also plan on getting a job and getting involved in a small group at our church. Please pray for us to find a group that we really like.

One of my main goals is to lose some weight before we start ttc round 2. (We're taking off a few months in order to get some tests run and for me to build up my red blood cells and folic acid. I definitely don't want to start a pregnancy with an iron deficiency.)Since I am currently at the weight I had wanted to be at when I was 9 months pregnant I'm hoping to be able to get some serious weight off. I'd also like to be able to continue a strong workout routine with cardio,weights and yoga/Pilate's during my pregnancy. I know that the best thing for my baby will be for me to be healthy, physically, emotionally and spiritually.


I will be updating my weight and measurements at least once a week. I may be including pictures if it's not too depressing. I'll also try to honestly assess my feelings and emotions as this is just a journey to get healthy and I anticipate at least 2 stressful situations in the near future(one of which is fitting into a bridesmaid dress with a group of girls who are probably waaaaaay under a size 4, 6, 8 or 10 or whatever I am). I'm hoping that I will have the grace to sound like my faith is unwavering but my main goal is to be honest.

During this next week I will be planning a menu that will be hopefully both convenient as well as very tasty. If anyone is reading this and has done p90x and has some recipes that they really enjoyed I would really love to have any input.

Mental Health

Today was a ridiculous day!

I've got to figure out how to stay calm and relaxed even when things get unbelievably hectic. I used to do yoga but now I don't have that channel that I would get my flows from. Also, I've hurt my back lifting something during the move so I can't go running or do any exercises really...
Thankfully, we're completely out of our condo and our kitchen is almost completely unpacked. I just really am trying to remember what God says and not what's going on in my surroundings...I feel like a 3 year old who's trying to figure out how she really feels so she's crying and screaming and taking a nap...and that's what I'm going to do...go to bed...

A little bit of balance would do me really well right now...

Responsibility

So, now that I've been tracking my calories I am finding many of my pitfalls. As I said to my sister, these aren't necessarily my fault however I am ultimately responsible for what I put into my body. When I reference these things I'm speaking of fast food and restaurants. While I am responsible for eating a cheeseburger as my "fun meal" it is not my fault that there are 1800 calories in it. WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU PUTTING IN THE FOOD?!?!? Even making a similar burger at home I honestly cannot figure out how you would add so many calories to a basic food.

This, I believe, has helped lead the way for our nations obesity problem and the fact that this new generation is the first in quite some time to actually have a lifetime that is projected to be less than their parents. I had a friend who died and I can't imagine how his children or his parents feel. The fact of the matter is, unless we change drastically, this will be a much more common occurrence. I often hear, "no parent should outlive their child." Well, I have some bad news America. Unless we change quickly and immediately then that's something we better get used to.

On my little baby making adventure I'm beginning to understand how much love parents really have for their children. That being said, and understanding that I'm not a parent yet, I would think that a parent would do anything in their power to make sure that their children are healthy and grow the way they're supposed to. I was having a conversation with a lady about some of the kids I'd worked with. One of the children, a little girl already showing signs of obesity, said that she gets to pick out a doughnut every morning for breakfast. The lady said "If a 6 year old is overweight, that's the parent's fault". That, my friends, is an unbelievably tough pill to swallow as accepting guilt is difficult, but better to swallow that pill now than at your child's funeral.

Sure we all like to see how cute kids are when they're hungrily stuffing ice cream down their throats and there's chocolate syrup all over their faces...and I'm not saying this should stop completely but let me ask you this. When does this stop becoming cute? Does it happen when they're teenagers and they're overweight and having difficulties with self image? Does it happen when they develop eating disorders? Does it happen when they're diagnosed with juvenile diabetes? Does it happen when they try to have children and the doctor says that it won't happen until they lose weight? Does it happen before or after they get their stomach stapled?
Or, maybe it happens once they've been diagnosed with diabetes, high blood pressure or high cholesterol...or maybe when they have a stroke unexpectedly...either way, it eventually happens one way or another.

Please don't misunderstand what I'm trying to say. I'm NOT saying that we should never have any food that we really enjoy and only eat vegetables (although, I know if you add them you will eventually start to like them). I'm NOT saying that we should all be super skinny. I'm NOT saying that if you've ever gained weight or struggled with that then you are a bad person...
What I am saying is that it is YOUR responsibility to make sure that you know what you're putting in your body. I think that the food industry has made us ignorant about certain things and that it's very difficult to know what's right but it doesn't change the fact that the responsibility still lies with us. We should all be HEALTHY!! That in now way shape or form means we should all be a size 2. There is a certain fitness level that we each should be at as well as eating properly. If you are healthy and a size 12, 8, or 2 then so be it. The goal is to be healthy...and to pass that on to our children. There are many things that are said to be associated with health from cancer to limb amputation. Let's do what we can to give our children and grandchildren a fighting chance at life and not crush it before it starts.

Today's a little better

Last night, I went to a webinar on fertility. I actually left feeling much better about that aspect of my life. I didn't plan on writing about this here but it came up and so now I'm writing about it. After working with youth and seeing accidental pregnancies it's easy to forget that like everything else in the body it is a wonderfully complex machine. So, if anyone has any questions...ask away haha.

In the meantime, I've got to figure out how te release some stress in my life. Moving is stressful and those test always ask if you've moved in the past year and my answer to that question has been yes for the past 5 years...that's alot for someone who's not in the military or running from the law.

I'm looking forward to so much that will be happening in the next little bit of time I just have to get past the every day stresses that seem to be popping up left and right.

Now, if I could just get someone to help me pack some boxes...

I feel like a three year old...

Not as good as I was hoping. Life right now is so transitional that it's hard to know what I'm feeling from one day to another. I used to wonder what was going through the kids' in my class minds during the day when they would all of a sudden get so frustrated that they'd be angry and throwing stuff and sad and crying and climbing on my lap for a hug all at the same time...I think I know now.

Life's been a little overwhelming as of late. Charting my temp every morning and trying to workout and trying to pack and trying to stay healthy and trying to find a job and trying to find my purpose....it's all very weird. Today, I think it all came kinda crashing in on me. I lost 1.5 pounds so that's good and right now that's all I'm really excited about...which is better than being excited about nothing.

I'm in a wedding in a few months so I ordered the dress larger than I needed so that I would have the room in the event that I got prego. I've decided to take a break from that so now all I have to do is not fit the dress and I'll be good to go. I wanted to order P90X at Christmas and I didn't so I'm going to order it once we move. The doctor told me to make sure I'm not working out more than 7 hours a week and since I've decided to take a break from that I can really enjoy my workouts with out having to be overly mindful about my ovaries or whatever.

Things that really suck right now: late AF and neg hpt, Julius being so cute and the worst dog ever (only 1 step better than Marley),packing, still having blurry eyes and dizziness sometimes.

Things I'm starting to look forward to: running in my new neighborhood, not living across the street from the fire department, being able to join a small group at the church we've found, not worrying about sitting in a hot tub or running too much or having too high of a hr or temp or forgetting to take prenatal vitamins because what if the sprout's brain is developing today...

Today was a sucky day, I've not adjusted to certain things that I thought I have and now I've got to figure out how to build a bridge and get over it...or at least wade my way through it. My eyes are swollen and I have a headache but at least I'm not standing on the shoreline trying to figure out where to begin.

Life is like a box of chocolates...

I clearly don't need to elaborate on this, we're all familiar with Forrest. Today was an insane day, which matched the rest of my week actually. I'm having this weird combination of emotions when I'm not really sure how I feel about anything. I do remember that the last time life was this hectic was when I moved out to Phoenix. That was such a lifechanging experience it only makes sense that something would try to stop it.

I was a little apprehensive about moving and all of the things that are going on in life right now. I felt like us moving was the right thing to do after praying about it for the past 6 months or so. It's almost like buyers remorse, except it's not. I'm very excited about this chapter in our lives but it's occuring simultaneously with some other really weird stuff.

Right now, I'm trying to rest in the fact that I do believe that G-d knows what he's doing. This is hard for me, I've always had a hard time believing that G-d really wants good things for me. I had been so fearful of things I was really excited for this year to be a turning point for me. But, alas, I will not be running the race tomorrow because vertigo is hard enough to walk with and lets face it...puking on the other runners is not the way I'd like to start my race adventures. I'm okay with that, we're out the entrance fee but I have to trust that things worked out for a reason this way.

The place where we're moving is my top choice and it seemed like G-d had allowed that door to be closed and then it seemed like the moving was not going to happen due to some other circumstances. However, it seems to me now that in fact it was G-d intervening on our behalf to really give us what we were praying for. I have a very specific list of reasons as to why I'm praying for some of these things. After watching that fall into place I'm still surprised at the part of me that is fearful that G-d doesn't have my back.

In my attempt to be optimistic and hopeful for the future there are some things that I'm going to be doing differently. I know lots of people have hope chests for when they get married...I'm going to start one for when we have children. This is something that's very dear to my heart and that I've struggled with. To change my mindset, I will start purchasing things for my "hope" chest. I'm also having faith that the Lord will send me the right job at the right time doing what he's called me to, its just the waiting that's so hard.

I look at some things that have been happening in my life that could not be coincidences. I do believe that the Lord is working on my behalf and bringing people into my life who I can encourage and who can encourage me also. It's been a rough bit of time here as I've not met anyone who I can really hang out with and be myself with. I have some close friends and I know that G-d's put them into my life (ironically, even as cynical as I am towards "Christians" these people are wonderful and don't judge me at all for where I am).

I feel restless which is perhaps contributing to my weird mood. Occasionally, and seemingly often this year, I have to take a step back and realize that there are so many things in life that we can't change and to focus my energy on that is not the right thing to do. So, for at least the next 30 minutes I will remember to try to constantly cast everything on Him...I believe that He can handle it.

Prayer requests:
Help moving (as of now it's just me and josh)
Our car
Gainful employment
Direction as far as ministry etc goes.

I appreciate you guys.

Tire swing

I absolutely abhor tire swings however I woke up the other night and my room was spinning like I was on a tire swing. Then I proceeded to vascelate between spinning and puking for the next few hours. I was informed yesterday that I have an inner ear infection. I got a shot in the butt for vertigo and some kind of patch to help with the nausea. That song "you spin me right round" will never be as amusing to me as it was before this ridiculous ordeal. I'm not sure that I'll be able to run on Saturday but I'm gonna get out there and try. The doctor said I should be able to...



Now to the real subject. So a friend asked me what I'm trying to prove to myself. Here is the sad truth of the matter. I'd like to do something and feel good about myself after I've completed it, to know that I'm good enough. This is one of the reasons Josh says he doesn't want to live in a small town...I was reading the latest Runner's World and Cara Goucher goes to a sports psychologist to help her hurdle her mental obstacles. I'm quite sure that this makes up 90% of the reasons I dont do things that I would love to. After being made fun of in high school and having some seriously negative professors, it's really hard to remember the nice stuff. I realize that while I'm not the best at anything I'm really good at alot of things but that doesn't seem to be enough. For some reason, I feel like I have to be better at things than I am. I'm not sure where this came from but I do feel serious pressure to be amazing at some things.

Things i've realized:
)1 Since I have a degree in music I also know lots of other people who play the piano and sing on the same level or better than me.
2) After realizing this, i also realize that there are millions of people who can't do either one as well as I can.
3)I babysat a little boy who cried and cried and told me that I wanted him to be perfect because I'm a perfectionist but he couldn't be...of course I wasn't expecting him to be perfect but I do think that internally I would prefer it if everything was perfect.
4) This conflict doesn't just translate to music and pursuing that dream but also in running. I enjoy running for the sake of running however, I realize that I'm feeling a considerable amount of anxiety concerning this upcoming race.

I'm not expecting anyone to say "o, you did a good job." because that doesn't really matter this is just me being honest. I really like life better when I don't feel like God is kinda apathetic when it comes to me. It's hard for me to remember that life is a journey because for the last few years I've felt like I'm just sitting in the same place but in different places in the country. I do believe that there is a plan for me and that I'm somehow on this road but even with the good news today, it still feels a little foggy...

Sometimes it just sucks...

...and now is one of those times. So, everything has been super disappointing lately. I'm really frustrated at the lack of progress I feel like I'm making. I'm frustrated about some stuff personally. I'm frustrated because I can't find a freaking job. I'm frustrated because my dog is psycho and we can't figure out how to help her. I'm really frustrated because something I wanted totally fell through. I'm extremely frustrated at how much I underestimated my calories last week. I thought I was being generous enough to be close, little did I know that I was still like 1000 off- for ONE MEAL!!!!
It's really hard to go out and do my running or yoga when I'm having such a hard time with stuff because I really want to see progress and it just makes everything worse when I don't. I feel so much pressure to do well and reach my goals. I don't feel like I'm very good at anything so it's really frustrating and annoying when I can't even reach goals that I set for myself. I mean, it's really of no consequence if I miss my goals but it's really bothersome to me.There are a list of things I wish I could change/fix but alas, I cannot. Apparently, I can't even change things that I should be able to. I feel like it's impossible to be as bad at running as I am but maybe it's not.
I think perhaps my stress comes from trying so hard and not being able to cut it. You'd think I was gonna tryout for the Olympic team or something but nope, I'm not. This is also the reason I wasn't a piano major, which I would've loved, or why I don't really sing anymore. What's more disappointing, knowing you're not good enough at something or trying your hardest and then finding out you can't cut it?

That's where the weight came from...

This weekend, Josh and I ate out for most of our meals due to being out of town and going to a friends' birthday party. While counting calories I killed my daily allowances and realized that this is where my 30 extra pounds came from. When I eat at home I have a hard time even eating enough calories because fruits and vegetables and fish have so little calories that even though I eat until I'm absolutely stuffed I'm still almost 500 calories under what I'm supposed to be at. I'm not losing the weight because I occasionally have a ridiculous day where I eat over 2500-3000 calories. A friend said she does like a Mediterranean diet. That will probably work really well for us.
Today I'm going to attempt a run outside...Anywhere else in Chicago the sidewalks are clear enough to run, however, there are some empty lots around here and those sidewalks don't get cleared off so I'm a little nervous about the run. This needs to happen for a few reasons.
1) I need to run outside so I see how my pacing is before the race. I definitely don't want to be shocked by the difference of running on a treadmill as opposed to really propelling myself.
2) My Pitador definitely needs to burn off some serious energy. She's been so anxious that when we put her in her crate Saturday she beat her face on the side (she figured out how to escape and so when we figured out how she did it we fixed the problem and she didn't realize that) and now her face is all puffy. Poor Julius.

So, my church is holding a 5/10k in May. I had originally hoped to be running a half marathon in June. I'd like to have a baby in the near future so my doctor has suggested that I don't workout for more than 7 hours a week. As I add mileage I don't want to get too close to the 7 hour mark which I'm anticipating will happen when I start getting closer to the longer distances. I'm calculating roughly 4-5 hours of running a week and with weight training, yoga, and swimming I think I'm gonna start being really close so...if I can work up to the distance slower and shave a little bit of time off my distance I will hopefully shorten my running time enough that I'll have a good window.

The next thing I really need to do is get some new shoes. I currently have a pair of Brooks, which I'm pretty fond of but I'm not married to them. I need a pair of shoes that are narrow and super stable. I have a high arch that's super rigid, that also happens to be collapsing so that sucks. I'm looking into Nike's because of the iPod app they have which is hopefully going to be super marvelous.

I would love to know what some of your menus/schedules look like as well as playlist ideas and running shoes/apparel.

My Struggle

Today was a very sucky day. It's frustrating living in a city where the unemployment rate is SO stinking high. This is especially crappy since I moved here after tons of people were laid off and I can't find a job. The only constellation to this is that Josh has a job and that another 17% of the city is also in the same boat I am in. So, this has affected my mood a lot.

I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to figure out the eating thing. I started logging my food like 2 days ago so I can see what I'm getting or not getting and I'm under my calories, by a lot, everyday. I'm not really sure what to do about this since I'm pretty much stuffed on a regular basis-healthy foods have so much less calories and are way less energy dense than hmmm....McDonalds.

I'm frustrated that I suck at running...I'm sure it's just something I'm not doing properly or consistently enough or maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am (doubtful but maybe)...

I'm frustrated that I love Chicago and have like no friends here...where would you meet friends o, at work and church...o yeah, I don't have a job and our church is an hour away.

Anyway, all of this really annoys me from time to time and today was definitely one of those days.These are my questions that I have right now...How many carbs am I supposed to be eating? How many grams of protein? Which order am I supposed to do my workout in? Weights then cardio or other way around or separate days? Why can't I do the stupid crane sequence or Utthita Hasta Padangustasana?!?!?!?! Then a friend commented on something that I had previously written on what was clearly a much less stressful day, ironically about grace and accepting where you are at the moment...My questions still stand but after reading that I feel slightly less like packing my bags and moving to Montana...Now I shall digest some of my food so I can go on what will hopefully be a very good run.

Acceptance

This is from July 29, 2009

Today, after my meditation time and before I get to my yoga I'm going to write a little bit on what I am experiencing today. After far too long and not in the circumstances I expected I am understanding and having acceptance for myself.

After years of being in church and having Christian friends who are, for whatever reason, not in church anymore I have found something I thought I would've found a while ago. As I move forward in my quest to find my own path with Christ I find myself leaving many people and things behind. At first, and still, this has been a very difficult thing. I know I am not the way some Christians would like for me to be but that's fine because in the end it's me and my Savior and everyone else's opinion is just like a butt hole-everyone's got one, some just stink...

While reading more about practicing yoga a few months ago I came across an article that talked about being able to evaluate yourself neutrally. So that means being able to look at yourself honestly and accepting who you are at the moment without condemning yourself but understanding your weakness and faults and beginning to move forward from that point. Today, I feel like I've actually been able to do that. There are things that are happening that i absolutely hate and can do nothing to change and that's another step in my growth. For so long, I've wanted to fix everything and stick it out until things changed...that is not always what I'm supposed to do. I can no more make someone a better person than I can grow wings and fly to the moon-and for once in my life I'm okay with that.

One thing I have found in my practice, and it's kinda like a physical experience of someting that I'm also finding spiritually is a large amount of grace. When I'm attempting bound angle pose or crane pose and fall extremely short, I have found grace with myself. This is my practice and I am where I am and tomorrow I will be where I will be. I cannot be anywhere else than where I am at this moment in time. I have found the same for my spiritual walk. I am where I am. I cannot be where anyone else thinks I should be or wants me to be. I cannot be who anyone else wants me to be- I can only be who I am created to be.

While attending my sister's graduation I heard quite possibly the saddest thing ever...a guy graduated with his m. div. and doesn't think he'll ever be good at anything or really excel at anything and that he's just a miscellaneous piece in the body of Christ. That is not the kind of pressure we should be exerting on one another in the body...It saddened me to see him feel that he wasn't important because he didn't have an "important" job. Here it is-if you have an "important" job such as a pastor or political office and that's not what you're supposed to do then you are not doing what you're supposed to-it's as simple as that. Everyone is important with whatever they are called to do.

This is the grace that I have found today. Whatever I'm supposed to do is for me and it will not be what someone else is supposed to do. I am who I am and for at least a day I will accept myself and the grace that God has given, which I wish I had seen more of growing up in church. So, I encourage you to take a look at yourself through the eyes of grace...and while you're at it, try looking at everyone through the same eyes...

Calories

Today, before we were supposed to go to the gym I wasn't feeling well so, Josh is there without me. I prayed that when I got married my husband would like running with me and alas, I've created a marvelous monster and he'll go without me. There are worse things than this. I'm very grateful.

I clearly am not going to be making any awesome advances running tonight but I'm trying to get a good plan for balanced eating and caloric intake. I found an app today that graphs your calories and charts your goals. I'm hoping to get to my desired weight and be able to replicate/maintain and have an idea how it happened. When i started college, I was so concerned with NOT gaining the freshman 15 and watching what I ate that I actually lost 25 pounds. There are 2 ways to look at what happened in the years I've been married

#1. I gained 30 POUNDS!!!!
#2. I'm still 11 pounds less than I would've been if I'd gained the freshman 15, 10 years ago.

I remember having a clear cut plan. I cut back on sweets, red meat, sodas and fast food. I also started walking everywhere and quickly, since I only had 10 minutes to traverse a pretty good distance of crowded sidewalks in heels, which I'm positive adds to the workout. I also started to follow an actual workout routine which included abwork and cardio.

I have attempted that now and can't seem to get it right, perhaps it's the additional 10 years on my age, the lack of walking involved in an office job, or house work or the addition of red meat to my diet. One thing that has been a benefit is that I'm no longer severely anemic...

I've added some protein to my diet in the form of a supplement and continue to take my vitamins and some fatty oil capsules. Since I'm running I've read that I definitely need to make sure I'm getting enough calories. The problem is that in Runner's World those people run waaaaay more than I do at this point in time. I'm trying to do some weights as well as swimming and a little yoga...I'm not very good at any of these so, I kinda think I don't need too many extra calories, lets be real though... I have no idea...

The Beginning

So, this marks the beginning of a new and hopefully interesting chapter in my life.

I shall start by explaining the name and the purpose of this bloggy thing that I'm gonna do.

This year, I've finally started to be more serious about life. You only get one and I've decided that I must find a balance. Balance is a delicate state, one that I suspect, most people never see.

My husband had some weird heart thing happen at the very beginning of January and I realized that there are so many things that I can't control that I can't possibly freak out about all of the possible combinations of disasters that could occur at any given moment. That being said, I realize there are things that I can work on to better my chances, if you will.

I thought about what to call this blog thing and I'm pretty horrible at coming up with names for things and screen names and all of that stuff but I decided on Sospitas. Sospitas is Latin for health (well, that's what the dictionary said, I really hope it's right). For all of you who know me I love anything having to do with health and fitness. I chose this word because I think health is a journey not a destination. My goal is to write about my running, yoga, eating, and faith among other things. I suspect this will change and I'll probably contradict myself as life teaches me lessons that I swear I already know. So, as I said before, hopefully I'll write and hopefully it'll be interesting, or at least tolerable, or at least short enough so if you're one of my really good friends, you can suffer through it and honestly be able to tell me that it sucks. Once I figure this out, I shall put some previous blogs, that I know were interesting, on here.