My Struggle

Today was a very sucky day. It's frustrating living in a city where the unemployment rate is SO stinking high. This is especially crappy since I moved here after tons of people were laid off and I can't find a job. The only constellation to this is that Josh has a job and that another 17% of the city is also in the same boat I am in. So, this has affected my mood a lot.

I'm frustrated with myself for not being able to figure out the eating thing. I started logging my food like 2 days ago so I can see what I'm getting or not getting and I'm under my calories, by a lot, everyday. I'm not really sure what to do about this since I'm pretty much stuffed on a regular basis-healthy foods have so much less calories and are way less energy dense than hmmm....McDonalds.

I'm frustrated that I suck at running...I'm sure it's just something I'm not doing properly or consistently enough or maybe I'm not as bad as I think I am (doubtful but maybe)...

I'm frustrated that I love Chicago and have like no friends here...where would you meet friends o, at work and church...o yeah, I don't have a job and our church is an hour away.

Anyway, all of this really annoys me from time to time and today was definitely one of those days.These are my questions that I have right now...How many carbs am I supposed to be eating? How many grams of protein? Which order am I supposed to do my workout in? Weights then cardio or other way around or separate days? Why can't I do the stupid crane sequence or Utthita Hasta Padangustasana?!?!?!?! Then a friend commented on something that I had previously written on what was clearly a much less stressful day, ironically about grace and accepting where you are at the moment...My questions still stand but after reading that I feel slightly less like packing my bags and moving to Montana...Now I shall digest some of my food so I can go on what will hopefully be a very good run.

Acceptance

This is from July 29, 2009

Today, after my meditation time and before I get to my yoga I'm going to write a little bit on what I am experiencing today. After far too long and not in the circumstances I expected I am understanding and having acceptance for myself.

After years of being in church and having Christian friends who are, for whatever reason, not in church anymore I have found something I thought I would've found a while ago. As I move forward in my quest to find my own path with Christ I find myself leaving many people and things behind. At first, and still, this has been a very difficult thing. I know I am not the way some Christians would like for me to be but that's fine because in the end it's me and my Savior and everyone else's opinion is just like a butt hole-everyone's got one, some just stink...

While reading more about practicing yoga a few months ago I came across an article that talked about being able to evaluate yourself neutrally. So that means being able to look at yourself honestly and accepting who you are at the moment without condemning yourself but understanding your weakness and faults and beginning to move forward from that point. Today, I feel like I've actually been able to do that. There are things that are happening that i absolutely hate and can do nothing to change and that's another step in my growth. For so long, I've wanted to fix everything and stick it out until things changed...that is not always what I'm supposed to do. I can no more make someone a better person than I can grow wings and fly to the moon-and for once in my life I'm okay with that.

One thing I have found in my practice, and it's kinda like a physical experience of someting that I'm also finding spiritually is a large amount of grace. When I'm attempting bound angle pose or crane pose and fall extremely short, I have found grace with myself. This is my practice and I am where I am and tomorrow I will be where I will be. I cannot be anywhere else than where I am at this moment in time. I have found the same for my spiritual walk. I am where I am. I cannot be where anyone else thinks I should be or wants me to be. I cannot be who anyone else wants me to be- I can only be who I am created to be.

While attending my sister's graduation I heard quite possibly the saddest thing ever...a guy graduated with his m. div. and doesn't think he'll ever be good at anything or really excel at anything and that he's just a miscellaneous piece in the body of Christ. That is not the kind of pressure we should be exerting on one another in the body...It saddened me to see him feel that he wasn't important because he didn't have an "important" job. Here it is-if you have an "important" job such as a pastor or political office and that's not what you're supposed to do then you are not doing what you're supposed to-it's as simple as that. Everyone is important with whatever they are called to do.

This is the grace that I have found today. Whatever I'm supposed to do is for me and it will not be what someone else is supposed to do. I am who I am and for at least a day I will accept myself and the grace that God has given, which I wish I had seen more of growing up in church. So, I encourage you to take a look at yourself through the eyes of grace...and while you're at it, try looking at everyone through the same eyes...

Calories

Today, before we were supposed to go to the gym I wasn't feeling well so, Josh is there without me. I prayed that when I got married my husband would like running with me and alas, I've created a marvelous monster and he'll go without me. There are worse things than this. I'm very grateful.

I clearly am not going to be making any awesome advances running tonight but I'm trying to get a good plan for balanced eating and caloric intake. I found an app today that graphs your calories and charts your goals. I'm hoping to get to my desired weight and be able to replicate/maintain and have an idea how it happened. When i started college, I was so concerned with NOT gaining the freshman 15 and watching what I ate that I actually lost 25 pounds. There are 2 ways to look at what happened in the years I've been married

#1. I gained 30 POUNDS!!!!
#2. I'm still 11 pounds less than I would've been if I'd gained the freshman 15, 10 years ago.

I remember having a clear cut plan. I cut back on sweets, red meat, sodas and fast food. I also started walking everywhere and quickly, since I only had 10 minutes to traverse a pretty good distance of crowded sidewalks in heels, which I'm positive adds to the workout. I also started to follow an actual workout routine which included abwork and cardio.

I have attempted that now and can't seem to get it right, perhaps it's the additional 10 years on my age, the lack of walking involved in an office job, or house work or the addition of red meat to my diet. One thing that has been a benefit is that I'm no longer severely anemic...

I've added some protein to my diet in the form of a supplement and continue to take my vitamins and some fatty oil capsules. Since I'm running I've read that I definitely need to make sure I'm getting enough calories. The problem is that in Runner's World those people run waaaaay more than I do at this point in time. I'm trying to do some weights as well as swimming and a little yoga...I'm not very good at any of these so, I kinda think I don't need too many extra calories, lets be real though... I have no idea...

The Beginning

So, this marks the beginning of a new and hopefully interesting chapter in my life.

I shall start by explaining the name and the purpose of this bloggy thing that I'm gonna do.

This year, I've finally started to be more serious about life. You only get one and I've decided that I must find a balance. Balance is a delicate state, one that I suspect, most people never see.

My husband had some weird heart thing happen at the very beginning of January and I realized that there are so many things that I can't control that I can't possibly freak out about all of the possible combinations of disasters that could occur at any given moment. That being said, I realize there are things that I can work on to better my chances, if you will.

I thought about what to call this blog thing and I'm pretty horrible at coming up with names for things and screen names and all of that stuff but I decided on Sospitas. Sospitas is Latin for health (well, that's what the dictionary said, I really hope it's right). For all of you who know me I love anything having to do with health and fitness. I chose this word because I think health is a journey not a destination. My goal is to write about my running, yoga, eating, and faith among other things. I suspect this will change and I'll probably contradict myself as life teaches me lessons that I swear I already know. So, as I said before, hopefully I'll write and hopefully it'll be interesting, or at least tolerable, or at least short enough so if you're one of my really good friends, you can suffer through it and honestly be able to tell me that it sucks. Once I figure this out, I shall put some previous blogs, that I know were interesting, on here.