Tire swing

I absolutely abhor tire swings however I woke up the other night and my room was spinning like I was on a tire swing. Then I proceeded to vascelate between spinning and puking for the next few hours. I was informed yesterday that I have an inner ear infection. I got a shot in the butt for vertigo and some kind of patch to help with the nausea. That song "you spin me right round" will never be as amusing to me as it was before this ridiculous ordeal. I'm not sure that I'll be able to run on Saturday but I'm gonna get out there and try. The doctor said I should be able to...



Now to the real subject. So a friend asked me what I'm trying to prove to myself. Here is the sad truth of the matter. I'd like to do something and feel good about myself after I've completed it, to know that I'm good enough. This is one of the reasons Josh says he doesn't want to live in a small town...I was reading the latest Runner's World and Cara Goucher goes to a sports psychologist to help her hurdle her mental obstacles. I'm quite sure that this makes up 90% of the reasons I dont do things that I would love to. After being made fun of in high school and having some seriously negative professors, it's really hard to remember the nice stuff. I realize that while I'm not the best at anything I'm really good at alot of things but that doesn't seem to be enough. For some reason, I feel like I have to be better at things than I am. I'm not sure where this came from but I do feel serious pressure to be amazing at some things.

Things i've realized:
)1 Since I have a degree in music I also know lots of other people who play the piano and sing on the same level or better than me.
2) After realizing this, i also realize that there are millions of people who can't do either one as well as I can.
3)I babysat a little boy who cried and cried and told me that I wanted him to be perfect because I'm a perfectionist but he couldn't be...of course I wasn't expecting him to be perfect but I do think that internally I would prefer it if everything was perfect.
4) This conflict doesn't just translate to music and pursuing that dream but also in running. I enjoy running for the sake of running however, I realize that I'm feeling a considerable amount of anxiety concerning this upcoming race.

I'm not expecting anyone to say "o, you did a good job." because that doesn't really matter this is just me being honest. I really like life better when I don't feel like God is kinda apathetic when it comes to me. It's hard for me to remember that life is a journey because for the last few years I've felt like I'm just sitting in the same place but in different places in the country. I do believe that there is a plan for me and that I'm somehow on this road but even with the good news today, it still feels a little foggy...